Advice For Those Who Haven't Lost
written by Christie Wildman
So you know an angel mummy, she has lost her child maybe through miscarriage, still birth or after birth, maybe a few yrs after they've been born. You want to help? You think she should pul her socks up maybe? Well please read and see if you still think you are helping:
DON'T:
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1) Tell her to 'get over it' - These are the cruelest words anyone could ever say, 2 weeks, 2 months 2 years, 2 decades a mother will NEVER get over losing her child! But in time and with lots of support she will learn to live with it better.
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2) Say 'at least you can have more/you already have children'. - This makes absolutely no difference to the child we have lost. You wouldn't expect not to grieve a sister cos you have 2 or 3 more, or a friend cos you have another. No parent should ever have to lose a child, period!
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3) Say 'your child didn't look right', - if you are lucky enough to have seen pictures of an angel it's because you were considered special enough to do so, an angel mummy doesn't share lightly. Since beauty shines from within who are you to judge?
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4) Wait for an invite - The worst thing ppl can do is stay away. The last thing an angel mother will ever do is ask for help, knock the door and ask if she'd like some company. She will be able to tell you if she wants to be alone, but staying away makes her think you don't care.
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5) Feel awkward when she 'talks about the dead baby again'. Grief is individual, for me talking about my angel keeps her alive as it does for many angel mummies, but on the other hand still respect a mummy who can't yet bring herself to talk.
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6) Say I knew a woman who went through it, then compare - It doesn't matter if that woman had 10 more kids and is ok, that doesn't mean we will be!!!!!!
DO:
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1) Say 'I don't understand what you are going through, but I am here for you' and mean it. Just saying it is forming empty words, if you've told her she can call you morining noon or night leave your phone on, make time!
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2) Tell a mummy you feel sad at her loss, that you were looking forward to knowing her child. That you are so sad this will never happen.
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3) Ask if the mummy has anything she'd like to share with you, photo's, cards, a memory box maybe. It tells the mummy that her child was thought of and loved.
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4) Offer to help, whether that be making tea, giving her a facial (maybe even a cuddle) or looking after the other kids so she can have a few minutes to grieve privately or do something to make her feel ok for the briefest of moments.
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5) Cry if you need to, a mummy appreciates all who help, but it's those that cry with her that stay close to her heart.
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6) Listen, maybe the most important thing of all. It doesn't matter if she's talked it over a thousand times, she will do so a thousand more, listening could just save that angel mummy's life one day.
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7) Make time to visit her child's resting place, this smallest of gestures means so much, being too busy just doesn't cut it, surely you can spare 15 minutes out of your day once in a while?For anyone reading, I don't mean to sound harsh, but so many good friendships fall apart after loss,that I felt I needed to get this down for all the angel mummies out there!
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