Being the mother of an angel baby is an odd feeling. The best way I can describe it is like being on a roller coaster ride that never stops. Constant ups and downs. I don't know about anyone else but I played the blame game. I blamed everyone from the post man to God for my baby dying. Mostly I blamed myself and baby Johnny's father. The relationship between me and my son's father has never been perfect but it has been hanging on by a thread since my son died. And not one of those thick quilt type threads, more like cheap string that you would buy at the dollar store or second hand. Can you even buy second hand string? OK, now I'm going off on a tangent. Back to what I was saying, after my son died, things were bad, very bad between me and my sons father. The circle of life is distorted when a child dies. You know the circle of life, like on Lion King, the parents die and the children take over, but when a child dies before the parents that circle becomes a mangled shape, and life as you know is no more.
I've felt angry and hurt, disappointed, tormented, and alone. Oh I have never felt so alone! My self-worth went from 60 to 0 in 2.5 seconds. I have no self-esteem left. I have nothing. I am no longer the person I was before my son, I am whats leftover after him. He took most of me with him when he died. I am a hollowed out piece of skin. Thats it, nothing more and nothing less.
I have cried more in the past 10 weeks than I have cried my entire life. Everyday I cry for my son. I cry for what would have been, what I'm missing out on, and what never will be. I beg God to take me to be with Him, and to be with my son.
But life has to go on, and go on it has. For everyone else life has gone on. I feel like I'm the only one left morning my son. Everyone around me has either forgotten or doesn't care. For me I will never "get over it" or "move completely on". I have heard that you learn to deal with the grief but you never "move on". I've yet to come to that point in my life, where I have learned to deal with the grief. I'm still a ball of emotions and I don't know how long it will take for me to push off this grief island. I'm throwing myself a pity party; and its my party and I'll cry if I want to!
xoxoxox
1 comment:
Lynda , I am truly sorry your precious son Johnny grew his angel wings. I am sorry you aren't able to hold him in your arms and kiss him and cuddle him.
You have an amazing way with words. You have created the most amazing special place to keep his memory alive for all your family and friends to come and visit. You told me few times in our chats, that you are amazed others keep on coming back to visit your blog ... Lynda they will for you are lifting the "veil on silent grief". Everyday , I see you posting links to your blog inviting all family and friends to go and read...you are an amazing strong woman , who's angel has touched so many lifes and will do so for many years to come.
I am sorry you have joined our Angel Baby ( parent support group on FB) but I thank you for bringing so much into my life !
Thank you so much for writting a posting for my blog.
Thank you for supporting my work in angel cause.
Loving hugs xoxox Dana
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